How To Be A Total Asshole On A Date
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First of all, under no circumstances should you ever call a girl. Nor should you send any form of electronic message(s) using complete sentences. Why would you do that when a simple “u around?” text will do, right?
Remember, your phone is for sending her two things: short cryptic messages, and photos of your ding dong.
See what’s up
Whatever you do, don’t set an actual time for the date, something better might come up and you want to stay flexible. As long as you ignore her enough, she’ll be waiting by the phone for you to call or text, but of course you won’t.
On the rare chance you don’t meet another hottie by Friday afternoon, I guess you may actually go on this date. Instead of saying that clearly, just send her a “what’s up?” text. That way, she’ll be confused and response with something like “Are we doing something later?”
This leaves you free to say “I guess”, or just blow her off to play xbox with “your boys.”
Get ready
When getting ready for a date, you’ve got a strict five minute time limit. Most women like the aroma of a man who hasn’t showered since that morning or last night, so no need to bathe. Even better, just cover up any smells with Axe body spray. Your hair is greasy? Luckily, that’s cool these days, so no problem. Make sure your bring your phone, you wouldn’t want to miss out on something more important while you’re stuck on this date.
Find a place
If she’s a vegetarian, take her to a steak restaurant… she’s going to be eating a salad anyway, so you might as well get something you want. Or, to show her you really don’t give a shit, just take her to your local bar for dinner. I hear women love bar food.
Drink, drink, drink
All women drink apple martinis, period. So, just order a bunch of those, but make sure you get the cheap booze and don’t tip the bartender. You want to make sure you have enough money to get her wasted. Wasted enough to make some terrible decisions later so you get your money’s worth. While she’s sipping on those martinis, just drink as many beers as you can, otherwise you might actually have to listen to her talk about her cat.
Talking to her
If you are actually forced to engage in conversation with a girl, make sure to keep it casual, you don’t want to end up having to hear about her family or even worse, her friends… unless they’re hot. Make sure to get her last name so you can look her friends up on Facebook later. Hell, you’ve got your phone right? Why not do it right now, she won’t mind.
Girls typically want to know what they’re getting themselves into, so you should probably tell her about your ex. Especially about all the dirty stuff she did because of her serious daddy issues. That way, the new girl can know what’s expected of her.
Paying the check
Come on guys, we have manners. The guy always pays for the date… if the girl is going to put out. So, before any credit cards get swiped, you better think of something disgusting to say, to check if she’s into it. You’re so charming, why wouldn’t she be?!?
If it doesn’t work out, it’s time to start facebook messaging her friends. I’d suggest going with the classic “you awake?” We all know what that’s code for.
There you have it, the perfect date. That is, if you want to live a lonely life where the closest woman you come in contact with is the checkout girl at the supermarket.
Back to reality…
If you’ve read this far, I’ll take that as a compliment. At the same time, I do hope you understood the 100% sarcasm of this article. If not, you have some serious work to do… but that’s what we’re here for.